Little Trolls

Hey friends! Long time no post. I know, I've been battling the pollen and pressure changes. For most people this is just an annoying time when the eyes itch and the sneezing seems nonsensically endless, but for a few of us it means: migraines.

I've "suffered" from migraines all my life. Not as bad as those poor folks who have to seek medical emergency attention, but I've had my bouts on the merry-go-round, as they say.

If you've ever had a migraine (anyone can have one, its just their frequency that makes them chronic) then you know that there's headaches...and then there's migraines. Let me tell you, it's not fun, and unlike a headache, if you've had one, you don't forget it.

Let's do a bit of learnin' shall we? (Why? Cause after seven bleedin' hours of holding my head, I'm awake, it's 1:00am, and I can't sleep! That's why!)

Scientifically, there's four phases of a migraine. Let me put them into a lay-speak perspective:

Phase 1: Prodrome Phase
Technically this is a period of irritability and fatigue which is usually unexplainable, and is frequently accompanied by yawning, mood swings, and insomnia. Similarities to normal daily activity can make this particularly hard to spot.

In layman's terms: You feel GREAT!!! You don't know why, you are really tired, yet you have TONS OF ENERGY!!! You're bouncing around the room, yet the slightest misaligned object, nosey coworker, or stuck pixel, will send you into a flipping conniption fit that borderlines rabid festering, complete with foaming and consumption of massive quantities of liquids. In other words, the only thing worse is a pregnant lady with a craving for something she can't get.

Phase 2: Aura Phase
Technically this is a period immediately following prodrome, where the individual experiences signs indicating a migraine is about to occur. This usually takes the form of optical hallucinations, which is why it is called the "Aura" phase...but if you ask me it should be called either the "Point of LSD" or the "Satanic Ritual Phase."

For those of you who haven't had a real migraine, let me draw you a picture. Following your wonderful prodrome phase, you'll suddenly experience a sensation like your head has been filled with glass. Nothing will seem 100% focussed, and you'll begin to see things. Each person's experiences are different, and you soon learn what things mean what. Like for instance, if I get tunnel vision and pinpoints (tiny bursts of light like twinkling stars) I know a migraine's coming and it's gonna suck. However, if I see a narrow trapezoid patch in my vision, filled with static (like an untuned TV set) which only appears when both eyes are open, I'm in for the mother-load. This is how I know there must be something worth living for in life, because when these things hit, you'd do just about anything to unscrew your head.

Phase 3: Pain Phase
Hey kids, do you like violence?

It is usually at this point that the fun starts kicking in. You're getting a mild headache, but you manage to put up with it. Your behavior is a bit odd, but then you try to sleep and it only gets odder. You're restless. And slowly, like some kind of medieval torture game-show, the little bulb of your play oven warms up, and you're seein' the fireworks! Close your eyes, and you'd swear there's a tiny troll stomping across your head, driving steel nails into your skull with a rubber mallet. (Savor that vision for a second. You can almost hear the little grumbles.) The aptly-named "pain" phase reaches a point where your head is pulsing with pain, and just about anything could happen and you wouldn't care. At the point where pressing your skull and groaning doesn't help, you're now in a state of zombie, complete with moans, glazed eyes, and maybe drooling.

For no apparent reason, you find comfort in the strangest of positions. Once while in college I had a severe migraine and spent about six hours standing, leaning like I was in a hurricane, staring at a wall with nothing in my head by the repeating words "make it stop!" Another time, I found myself standing in my bathtub at six in the morning (apparently so out of it that my body was going through my morning routine all by itself). Scientists say that this is the body's way of keeping control while the brain is wigging out. Personally, it'd be nice if I could stay in the damn bed!!!

This part can be really scary, as the pain is so strong that what's left of your rational thought is split between wondering if yer going to die, and making up prayers to God for your salvation from the torment. You'll find yourself actually begging out-loud, quietly, for the pain to stop, and it's not uncommon to breath heavily, almost like panting.

At some point you pass out, but yer still awake and conscious. You just don't remember what happened. It's kinda like waking up from a dream you can't remember, suddenly finding yourself conscious even though you never really went to sleep at all. You know you've had a migraine, but you feel more like you've got a bad hangover now. You're extremely tired, shaking, and though your head is still splitting, you find it easy to crawl in bed, close your eyes, and go to sleep. What's happened to your head is so extreme that the cortexes of your brain associated with your senses will randomly sputter sensations without cause. Your ears will ring, you'll have a acrid taste in your mouth, an ammonia smell in your nose, and splotches of light will pulse faintly in your vision. If you really cared, it might be interesting to think that all that strange activity was your brain trying to repair itself and reset, stumbling across a thousand random thoughts and sensations that had just previously been exploded throughout your neural net like charged particle emissions.

Phase 4: Postdrome Phase
Technically, this is the post-migraine period, where symptoms slowly go away. Sometimes referred to as "migraine fallout."

Your migraine over, you wake up the next day feeling like you've just been through an incredible ordeal, like waking up the day after you've had a car accident or something. You feel okay, hungry, dry, and your stomach is a block of wood. You have a mild throbbing headache, and as the day goes on you slowly feel worse, and your headache gets worse, too. No matter what you do, the only thing that will make you normal again is sleep. As you suffer the day away, you will eventually reach a point when your body will let you sleep again, and away you go. Next day, you're back to normal (or as normal as normal gets).

The good news is, if you wake up after a migraine and feel terrible, you're okay. Just another wonderful life experience that you got lucky enough to get stuck with, and you probably won't have one again for at least a few weeks, if not months. However, if you feel euphoric and light-headed, it's time to see doctor. That little brain-disco you went to last night just blasted away some of your little gray friends. Not good.

So now that you've read all that, you're well on your way to experiencing your own migraine! Enjoy!

Now if you'll excuse me, there's some fallout I need to enjoy...